How You Remind Me
by Sharedsun
Summary: When Alice first met Jasper, he had no problems with drinking human blood. Now that they're together, he's having difficulties reconciling what he was with who he wants to become. Oneshot. Alice/Jasper. Songfic.


A/N: So I'm back, with the latest addition to my little songfic collection. This one feels kind of in between, not quite as good as Never Again, but not as bad as Next Contestant. Alice and Jasper are a fascinating pair. I like to portray a darker side to their emotions though, not just all lovey-dovey smush.

So, a bit of background because this might be confusing.

This is set between the time when Alice first met Jasper, and when they joined the Cullens. In my version, they're traveling by foot to Alaska, where the Cullens currently reside with Tanya's clan. In her visions, Alice sees that James still has a bit of an interest in her (though he doesn't really play a part in this oneshot) and Jasper has not yet given up human blood. Its tearing them apart from the inside out.

P.S. I had no beta, so let me know if stuff's weird. :) I have selective blindness when it comes to my own errors.

Disclaimer: Don't own Twilight, or its characters.

* * *

How You Remind Me

Jasper watched silently as Alice rocked in the grips of another vision. It was a painful one, he could tell, and all he wanted was to go and throw his arms around her, tell her it would be all right.

But it wasn't all right, would never be all right. And he had sworn never to lie to her.

She moved, then, raising her head to stare at him with empty eyes. He watched as she rose gracefully to her feet, then staggered. He was there in an instant to support her, and she clung to his arms.

"Jasper, I saw him." She whispered, burying her face into the front of his shirt, "Jasper, he wants to kill me."

Jasper frowned, pulling her close, wondering who would be fool enough to try and hurt her with him nearby.

He had worked for his reputation, after all.

_**Never made it as a wise man **_

_**I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'**_

Alice's eyes closed briefly, "That way," she murmured, pointing in a vaguely northward direction before starting to walk off that way herself. He'd offered to hotwire a car, but that idea was shot down instantly with a sarcastic reference to laziness and men. She had been terribly cold lately, nothing like her old bouncy self.

If vampires needed sleep, Jasper would have made her lie down and take a nap right then and there. But they didn't, so he couldn't blame her headaches and disinterest on lack of sleep.

No, he knew the cause. It was him. And that hurt him far more than it should have, he knew, but he couldn't help it. It didn't happen to be something he could control.

_**Tired of livin' like a blind man**_

_**I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling **_

"Do you need to stop for the night? Are you hungry?" He pressed, watching her with hawks eyes. They had been the first words spoken since the trek had begun.

She walked before him, leading the way, and occasionally changing directions. If he hadn't known how her visions tended to fluctuate, and had she been in a better mood, he would have teased her about trying to confuse her pursuers by not choosing a clear direction. As it was, he didn't.

She didn't turn around to answer. "I'm not hungry. Are you?"

There was a sort of challenge in the words, and a bitter sense of resignation. He felt that same unfamiliar ache in his chest as he stared at her. He hadn't fed for nearly a week, and was pretty much beyond hungry at that point. But it hurt her when he fed from humans. And for Alice, he would do anything. Or, as the case was, refrain from doing what was physically necessary.

They passed a town about an hour later, and by the sudden flare of her emotions, he knew she was thinking about what he could do. Then she hid her feelings once more behind the wall of serenity that she had perfected during the last week. He couldn't tell what she was feeling anymore, though he could clearly see her standing before him. It was unusual for him to feel so ignorant.

There was a flash of pain in her eyes as she turned and said quietly, "Go. I'll wait here for you."

She sank down gracefully and folded her legs beneath her, closing her eyes and humming a slow, sad tune. He stood, ambivalent for a moment, then turned away toward the village, her song ringing in his ears the whole way.

Back in the clearing Alice added the closing words to her melody, singing so softly she could hardly hear herself, "…gone away, I'm bound away, across the wide Missouri."

_**This is how you remind me  
**_

_**This is how you remind me of what I really am**_

It had been a while since he chose a woman. Jasper lounged against the side of a booth in the rowdy bar, eying the prospects. A petite, dark-haired woman passed under his nose carrying a tray, slapping away the hands of a few overeager patrons. She was smiling, clearly enjoying herself, despite the fact that she was working.

His heart clenched as he thought of Alice, and what she might do if she were here with him. She would laugh too, as she had when they first met. When she didn't know he couldn't stop. Suddenly furious, he took off after the waitress.

Jasper tore into the girl's throat with a brutality that surprised even himself. She didn't even have time to scream before she was gone, her heart pumping its life's blood into his mouth. He drank greedily, bloodlust driving all other thoughts from his head.

When he had bled her completely dry, he buried her quietly in the graveyard behind the single Methodist Church in the town.

_I won't see you in heaven,_ he thought grimly, _but I hope you find your way there all right._

He turned his back on the newly dug, unmarked grave, and breathed in the fresh scent of an oncoming storm. He'd better get back to Alice. Halfway to the trees, he changed his mind. He would go find something to rinse his mouth out with first.

_After all,_ he thought with a bitter smile, _just because she reminds me doesn't mean I have to return the favor._

It was a silly thing to do, he knew. But it would make him feel a bit better. Like he was trying. She knew the truth, and she was waiting for him in the clearing, no longer singing.

She stared at him with a strange and unfamiliar emotion stirring in her eyes. Then she said the last two words he would ever have expected to hear.

_**It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story  
**_

_**This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking  
**_

They had found a cave to shelter them for the night, and sat at opposite sides of the cave watching the rain pour down. Jasper kept his eyes firmly fixed on her face, illuminated every so often by a flash of lightning.

She met his eyes sometimes, too, and he knew she was thinking hard. Whatever it was, it was making her apprehensive, confused, and determined all at the same time. His curiosity sparked, and he managed to convey it through his eyes when she next looked at him. To break the silence at that point seemed disrespectful, in a way.

She smiled ever so slightly, and was over at his side in a flash. "Do you really not know?" she breathed in his ear.

He frowned and turned his head to retort that not everyone was gifted with the power to see the future, but stopped. Her face was so close to his. She leaned in just a little bit and brushed her lips against his.

His brain short circuited, and any sarcastic remarks he may have been contemplating were lost. He leaned into the kiss eagerly, placing one hand at the back of her head to hold her there, and the other on the cave wall behind her to steady himself.

She opened her mouth on his, allowing their tongues to touch for a moment, then reached up to remove his hand and pulled away before he could make another move. He stared at her as she silently moved a few feet away, to sit at the mouth of the cave.

Neither of them said a word, but none were needed. At that moment Jasper realized what should have been clear to him all along. He was in love. He had given away his heart to the small, dark haired beauty who sat before him, watching the rain fall.

He briefly tasted the atmosphere, curious. The nervousness was gone from her aura, and had been replaced with a new emotion, one more powerful than anything he had ever felt. It was good enough for him.

But why, then, had she run away from him? It didn't take much searching to find the answer. He licked his lips, and could faintly distinguish the metallic taste of old blood. He cursed silently, and turned his back to her. He wasn't worthy of her. She deserved better than a monster like him.

For the first time since he'd been changed, he desperately wished vampires could digest human food and drink. He would have given anything to drown his sorrows in the traditional human way and forget, if only for a short time.

_**I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle  
**_

_**These five words in my head scream "are we havin' fun yet?"**_

He knew she wasn't infallible. It was a fact that she herself often reminded him of, one that he usually shrugged off behind her back and mostly ignored. She hadn't been wrong yet since they had met; or if she had been, she'd corrected the mistake in time with no harm done.

So he humored her when she said they should stop. She was frowning, confused, and kept murmuring, "They're moving. Where are they going?"

He easily charmed the woman behind the main desk in the lobby of the hotel they had chosen, and put her to sleep. Then he reached up behind her head and snagged a room key, gently guiding Alice to the suite.

She immediately retired to the darkest corner of the room and curled up, burying her face in her knees and toning out any distractions. The waves of concentration coming from her were so strong they made Jasper wish for a brief moment that he could leave the room. He didn't. Instead he went to the windows and pulled the curtains shut, letting the darkness envelop them both. Then he sat watch from the bed, never once taking his eyes off her.

Finally, hours later, she lifted her head. A shadow of the old humor was back in her eyes as she said, "Found them. They're moving to Alaska. We can meet up there."

He nodded, saying nothing. From the very beginning Alice had told him about the family of unusual vampires she was heading off to join. He wasn't as confident as she that they were what she was expecting, but then he wasn't the one who could see the future.

His stomach clenched as she moved closer, one tiny hand reaching out as if to touch him. She paused at the last minute and he didn't even need to use his power to see her pain and indecision. They were written clearly on her face.

He wanted to scream, at her, at himself, at anyone and everyone. How could things have gone so terribly wrong?

_**It's not like you didn't know that  
**_

_**I said I love you and I swear I still do**  
_

Alice sighed moodily and rolled over onto her back. Living stunk. Whose idea was it to make sure that she would be doing it for the rest of eternity, anyway? Oh yeah, some sadistic crazed vampire who'd wanted to eat her.

No scratch that. He still wanted to eat her. Only, it would be much more difficult now that she was stronger. And had a bodyguard; who, by the way, wasn't speaking to her.

She turned her head to look at him. He was sitting, with his back turned to her, on the floor of the hotel room. She couldn't see his hands, but could tell that he was clenching his fists by the way the veins stood out on his forearms. He'd been that way ever since her little declaration last night.

She knew it would happen. Men always got skittish when women mentioned the "L" word. Especially when it had both their names attached to it. Still, it hurt a tiny bit. Maybe even more than a bit. But if he thought he could put her off by ignoring her he was more of a fool than she'd thought. Or maybe he was just paying her back for her indecision over the past week. Now that she'd made up her mind, she was sure she would be able to fall back into her old patterns.

Alice rolled back over onto her stomach and propped her head up on her hands, burning a hole into his back with her eyes. She could wait. She smiled wryly; it wasn't like time would be an issue for them.

_**And it must have been so bad  
**_

_**Cause livin' with me must have damn near killed you**_

Jasper felt her eyes on him, and scowled at the dresser. He knew she was waiting for a response. He also knew the difference between the response he wanted to give her, and the response he should give her.

They were battling it out inside his head. Neither seemed to be gaining ground.

There was a whirlwind of emotions inside the room, mostly coming from himself. She knew exactly what she was doing, or seemed to, at any rate. But that was the problem.

Furious, Jasper lashed out suddenly and put a gaping hole in the carved wood of the wardrobe. It shattered under his hand like glass, and gave no satisfaction. He got up and stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind him. She had no idea what he was, what he had done. She saw what could be, not what had already happened.

He was a monster, and she was an angel. There would be no happy ending for them.

_**This is how you remind me of what I really am  
**_

_**This is how you remind me of what I really am**_

Alice was amused. They were on the move again, after exchanging only a few terse words about direction. He was leading this time, dutifully altering direction whenever she asked. But he wouldn't look at her.

He was afraid.

The thought made her grin again. She knew almost nothing about his past, but she had always been a good judge of people. He was used to inspiring fear, not feeling it. She was sure he had been dominant even as a human, a trait that was only enhanced when he was turned.

But she still loved him. Even though he had barbaric eating habits—those would be cured with time—and more than enough arrogance. It would be good for him, she decided, if she could use this opportunity to knock him down a peg or two.

She couldn't believe they'd only known each other for fifteen days. It felt more like fifty years. They were meant for each other. She'd been waiting all her life for him to come, and now that he had, she was never letting go. She would do anything to keep him. Anything at all.

_**It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story  
**_

_**This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking  
**_

Was it wrong to want her? No, he didn't think so. Was it wrong to have her? That was more difficult to answer.

"Jasper," she called.

He paused expectantly, half turning his head so she knew he was listening. Instead of correcting the path he was walking, he felt her hands reach out and grasp his.

He jumped, surprised. She looked seriously up at him, and said, "Enough. If you don't want me, tell me now. Don't think you can turn your back and ignore it forever."

He stared at her. She was insane. She thought he didn't want her? But she was still speaking.

"…already told you I don't care what sort of horrid image you must have of yourself. I don't look through your eyes, I like my own. Everything I've said thus far has been truth. I expect the same from you."

He looked at her, torn. She really didn't care, he couldn't feel a hint of a lie. She watched him impatiently, searching his expression. What she saw must not have been encouraging, because she pulled a face and stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek.

Slowly, she kissed along the line of his jaw until she reached his ear, where she breathed, "Vampires are strong. I can handle it."

So he put his uncertainties aside and kissed her back. She was strong. He would have to remember that. He could only wish he was that strong, when it came to anything having to do with her. She was his weakness, his Achilles heel.

So he'd have to keep her close, to protect himself. He always had been selfish.

_**I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle  
**_

_**These five words in my head scream "are we havin' fun yet?"**_

_**This is how you remind me  
**_

_**This is how you remind me of what I really am**_

* * *

Yeah, I know, the ending sucked. But (depending on review response to this) this is something that has real potential for a follow-up. Nothing was really resolved. Let me know if you'd like that.

In fact, let me know if you wouldn't. Say anything you want, as long as its something. Hugs all around, because April's almost here.

-Sharedsun


End file.
